Where I've been: the importance of taking time where your only responsibility is enjoyment.
Melancholy Monday
Melancholy Monday
Hi there, and welcome to Engineering Our Social Vehicles. I’m your host; Paul Logan. Today is Melancholy Monday. If you’re new around these parts, that means that on Mondays we like to talk about stuff that’s kind of a bummer. Today, we’re going to talk about where I’ve been for a few weeks and why you lovely folks haven’t been getting your newsletter.
One quick moment of housekeeping, I’d like to congratulate reader Brent on winning the the collapsible hat giveaway. It’s in the mail buddy!
Sad Clown
Once, about a third of the way through a date, the other person turned to me and said:
“You know what you are? You’re a sad clown.”
“What’s a sad clown?” I asked.
“People like Chris Farley, Robin Williams. You know, they make other people laugh to hide their own pain.”
“Is that a bad thing?” I asked.
“It’s not a good or a bad thing. It’s just how it is.”
In the moment, I found I couldn’t disagree with them. I still can’t to this day. I’m always someone who functions better turned outward cheering others up, rather than staring down my inner turmoil.
The Pagliacci meme is the most common instance of the sad clown trope that I run into. It’s hundreds of years old, but was revivified by Alan Moore in Watchmen, where the joke is delivered in stunted dialogue by a psychopathic social outcast. It’s a shame it’s been so raked over the coals by troll communities, because I love the artistry of Moore’s presentation, even if it is a little ham-fisted.
Moore tells us the joke in text boxes over the death scene of Blake, a mass-murdering “American hero” who used the sobriquet “The Comedian”. The original packaging is intended to underscore the idea that the Comedian saw how nonsensical and petty society is and decided the only thing to do was laugh.
From Rorschach:
"Blake understood. Treated it like a joke, but he understood. He saw the cracks in society, saw the little men in masks trying to hold it together...he saw the true face of the twentieth century and chose to become a reflection of it, a parody of it. No one else saw the joke. That's why he was lonely."
From Blake himself:
"Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense."
The Comedian is basically Captain America if cap knew all the terrible things America had done and that he stood for, and continued to fight for it anyways because why not. He’s learned helplessness and nihilistic hedonism incarnate.
Since then, the internet has excised the joke from its context and boiled it down into metahumor, oftentimes being referenced by responding to self pity with “but doctor… I am Pagliacci!” Here’s an example of that got meme’d immediately after Robin Williams’ suicide:
I’m not trying to claim any special insight into the world in referencing the “seeing the sick joke of society and deciding the only thing left to do is laugh” aspect of Moore’s presentation. Everyone sees the nonsensicality of society to one extent or another, most people just decide that it’s not funny; that they can change it, that it’s justified, that things have to be this way. I’ve just always been the class clown who found more sense in highlighting the contradiction and trying to make others laugh about it. Always been the person prattling on through his own pain.
Clinically, sad clowns are more related to cyclothymia than what’s be up with me: dysthymia (depression), but it’s a fine edge to walk— especially if you’ve got bipolar disorder in your family (which I do). Like the rest of my ilk, the laughter is only a defense mechanism; a cross borne against darkness with a trembling hand; a brief reprieve from the beating of a hollow drum.
Let’s be honest
I’m going to be honest here, though I worry it may impact my future employability once background-checking AI becomes standard: I’ve had depression the majority of my life.
Specifically a type of low-grade constant depression known as dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder. Dysthymia is different from major depressive disorder (MDD) in that it doesn’t normally strand you in bed or cause huge dysfunction. It’s more of a depressive tinnitus, a sad mosquito buzzing in your ear for a good decade on end, instead of a donkey-kick in the gut from Eeyore.
The kicker is that since they are different disorders, the two can co-occur. That’s what’s been up with me for the last month or so. I’ve been locked in a death-spiral of self criticism over failure to meet ridiculously high standards I set for myself. This causes a cascading negative feedback cycle that’s a lot like a muscle cramp.
The charley horse, the monkey trap
If you’re unfamiliar, a “charley horse” is baby-talk for a muscle cramp/spasm. Depressive episodes work like a cramp: a negative feedback cycle in which pain causes a reflexive tightening, leading to more pain. Depression is a feedback loop of actions and emotional responses to those actions; which self perpetuate.
I don’t post an article →
I view myself as worthless for not posting an article →
I’m too mentally taxed from enumerating all the ways I’m worthless to write an article. →
I don’t post an article. →
Repeat; ad nauseum.
The inability to decide to relax, only intensify and tighten could also be characterized as a myopia of choice. You become so locked in the feedback loop you’re unable to look away from it, unable to see simple actions that might break you out of the prison you made for yourself. This is the decision-making equivalent of a charley horse: a monkey trap.
From Wiktionary:
monkey trap: A cage containing a banana with a hole large enough for a monkey's hand to fit in, but not large enough for a monkey's fist (clutching a banana) to come out; anecdotally used to catch monkeys that lack the intellect to let go of the banana and run away.
This newsletter is the banana in a monkey trap of my own design. I’ve spent a good deal of the past several months overstressed because I needed to get a new article out on schedule. I never stopped to ask myself what the consequences of failing to do so would be, because I’d myopically limited my options to “post about x or post about y” without the thought of “don’t post.” I can’t let go of the posting deadline, I can’t let go of the banana.
So it is with depression, with most stressful and unpleasant situations in our lives. We can’t leave an unhealthy relationship because… reasons. We can’t quite a job we hate because… reasons. We can’t show our true selves to the people we love because…. reasons. So instead we stay in bad relationships, working bad jobs, surrounded by people who might hate the real us— all because we lack the imagination to seek a better life, or are too cowed by fear of short term pain to push through it for long term contentment.
This is all normal, and feeds into the cyclic learned helpless of depression. Depression is a charley horse that leaves you too locked up by your own pain to pursue lateral action escaping it. Depression is a monkey trap that leaves your vision so narrowed to the options you don’t want that you have trouble imagining the ones you do. To top it all off, depression leaves you insensate, and unable to discern what actions will lead to future contentment and pleasure.
Real winners quit
For the past few weeks I stepped away from things I’d told myself I need to do. Instead, I relaxed. I played Elden Ring, went to a judo class for the first time in a decade, visited my nephew, and went and saw the new Top Gun before it left theaters.
I did all of this because I’d backed myself into a corner in life. So, I decided to remind myself that I’m allowed to chill. Between MBA applications, posting on EoSV, applying to jobs, and various personal projects; it had been months since I did anything with the sole purpose of enjoyment.
This ties directly into the emotional state I discuss in On Tilt, where focus on purely instrumental goals leads to negative feedback cycle. In order to function well, we must regularly remind ourselves of the actual end goal of our labor: the things that have value in and of themselves— not status, money, and recognition but love, contentment, and satisfaction.
On Tilt itself could probably be considered Pt. 1 of this article, which is more of a reflection of what happens when you fail to resolve tilt- and instead fall into depression. The final section of that article describes the really big issue I’ve been having for about a month: Anhedonia.
Anhedonia is defined as an inability to feel pleasure, and it’s one of the classic markers of depression. I’m going to repost that section here in full because it’s extremely relevant to why I’ve been gone:
Resetting
A little while back I gave some advice to someone who was frustrated with their life. They didn’t find joy in anything they did anymore, and were left doubting the value in any action. This is anhedonia, an early marker of depression wherein you stop enjoying… well, everything.
I’ve spent a lot of time anhedonic, and think it has the same macro-shape as tilt: attempting to feel joy and being frustrated when you can’t, fueling more frantic attempts and more intense frustration with their failure. My philosophy of “safe failure” is born of these struggles. Here’s what I told our anhedonic friend:
Make it your goal to try and fail. If you expect success you will pressure yourself out of it. You’re too much of an amateur at getting out of ruts to have the context to know what is and isn’t a good action to take, so you’ll be stuck in trial and error for a while. Unfortunately there’s not really any helping this since what will get you out is unique to you. Don’t even let yourself hope that an activity or action will “cure” you. There is no cure.
Now that your spirit is properly broken, recognize that you can do whatever you want. Like the journey from nihilism to existentialism: if nothing matters, then you get to decide what matters.
Find something you enjoy so much you don’t mind being bad at it. For me, it’s writing. This is NOT your lifeline. It is a fun thing you do.
Find a goal you want to work towards- a specific goal, not “getting better” for me, it’s getting a book published.
The thing that you gives you the good chemicals and the goals you want to achieve are very likely going to be misaligned. One of the first times I tried this I put so much pressure on myself to achieve the goal of making money off a video game that I was petrified of making mistakes, and couldn’t enjoy programming anymore.
That sucks, dude. Seems like you failed.
AHA! You’ve succeeded in your first goal: failure.
Now you’ve got the taste for the cycle:
Find satisfying atomic activity
Attempt to slot it into an aligned goal.
Fail.
If you still want to try again, you know you are working towards your goal simply by doing something you enjoy so much you don’t mind messing up.
You may never find your combination. That’s OK. Remember this was never about success in crawling out of the hole- this was about rebooting your brain’s cycle of interest and reward so that you can enjoy life again.
Remember: Fail often, fail fast, have fun.
Conclusion
Sometimes the we fail at the instrumental pursuits we do to support the activities that give us joy. It’s easy in those moments to get upset, and let negative emotion taint our intrinsic pursuits; those that give us joy regardless of success. This is tilt.
Whenever I feel myself tilting — instead of screaming back at unnecessarily harsh critics — I go back and read the advice above. It reminds me that I’m writing for the joy of the activity alone- not success, not attention, not interaction. It helps me calm down, tune the screaming out, and live to write another day.
Now that I’ve got a speck of distance between me and the feelsbad, I’ve pinpointed one of the more toxic contagions that started this entire negative feedback cycle in the first place. Business authenticity.
Business Authenticity (let’s not be honest)
One of the biggest driving forces behind all this dysphoria for me has been MBA and job applications. In many ways, conversing in your opponent’s terms cedes mental ground, and heavy exposure to the upside-down world of business doublespeak has left my head spinning.
These days, there’s great emphasis put on leadership from a place of “vulnerability” and “authenticity.” These words do not mean what you think they mean in the context of meritocratic review.
When I think of authenticity, I generally think of displaying the whole of one’s person without affectation. Someone who is authentic speaks their whole mind, and not just what is convenient for them at that moment. Someone who is vulnerable shows their true self.
Society does want you to be genuine, it just doesn’t want the genuine parts of you that aren’t useful— only the ones that fit through the filter. Think about it like a garlic press where the skin is leftover and discarded. That skin is the “authentic” parts of your person that are inconvenient, unprofitable, or undesirable.
When you’re told to “be yourself,” you are not being told to be your whole self. You are instead being told to present the genuine aspects of your person that are acceptable or fit the correct narrative. It isn’t that societal filters force us to leave behind aspects of our person that are inconvenient. It’s just that they select for the most convenient & profitable characteristics.
To filters, some people will just be skin to be discarded. If you are unwilling to fit through the holes of the filter into the specific shapes it has grown to reproduce, then you will find yourself discarded in favor of someone who will cut from their flesh to fit the filter, or someone who was fortunate enough to fit the filter all along.
Corporations and schools that encourage “authenticity” in this fashion likely don’t realize they are engaging in doublespeak, they are simply playing a different game than the applicants— a numbers game. If you’re an individual shooting for a prestigious job, you’ll likely need to conform in some way to fit the filter. If you’re a prestigious job searching for individuals, some number will fit the filter— you don’t care how much skin you’re going to throw away because eventually you’ll find some meat.
Conclusion, what this means for the future
Authenticity is an issue I’ve been having with the newsletter of late. I want to speak truthfully, but find myself pulled increasingly towards the thinkpiece articles that generate traffic and subscriptions.
This blog is specifically anti-meritocracy, or at least against the ingenuine article currently on display in society. I don’t want to engage in the same doublespeak as those I criticize. For that reason, I’m going to try to be more honest with my writing here. That means more skin, less zest. I want to push for a world where people can be authentic, worts and all, and that involves leading by example.
When I started EoSV, I imagined it would be an even mix of fiction and nonfiction. I quickly found out that the original fiction grind is a much more difficult one than punditry, and lazily stuck to the content that was best for audience building. I think this has led to me putting out content that while good for my personal growth, felt a little forced.
In the future, I’m going to move into a non-guaranteed posting schedule. I’m going to focus on making more content that is true to me, which will involve a lot more fiction, and potentially even a serially published novel. I’ve also taken on a new job that starts mid-September, so frequency may bob a bit. What I lack in frequency I promise to make up for in quality, and believe me, I’ve got a lot of bangers on the bench just waiting to get fleshed out:1
With that in mind, I’m going to be absent again for another week or so while I hike into Glacier National Park with the infamous shittymorph for a gonzo-journalism style… something that remains to be seen. My intention is that things only get stranger from here on out, and I’m very excited you’ll be here to take the journey with me.
As always, share this with people who you think will find it relevant, and tweet your favorite line at me.
Leave me a comment if there’s a title in here that has you especially curious.
Hey - thanks for writing this. (I'd been meaning to comment when you first dropped, but I managed to lock myself out of substack with "bypass paywalls clean", and I only solved it today.)
I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and am still on medication - just wanted to drop some unasked-for reassurance that your worth as a person is not tied to your writing, and that I'll happily wait longer for articles if that means you don't write them on your last mental hitpoints. (I also enjoyed the one you posted today, so - thank you :))
Keep on keeping on! Glad to see you are back and also that you are going hiking.
I know dysthymia is a bitch (also to junior psychiatrists such as me), but you’ll figure it out. And reach out to those you trust when you can’t figure it out.
Now, please write that “joke density” piece within the foreseeable future.